NOVPUBJames was so flabbergasted and in disbelief at what Bella just said that he thought the steam from the hot water hit him and he was hallucinating shit, because no way Bella would say something like that.
She's the obsessed type of woman, somebody who will kill everybody who even dares to look at James and now she's saying that he can fuck Sophia?
Or the opposite of this, it actually made a lot of sense.
Like Bella knew too that James would be lonely without her at least that's what she thought. She wanted to, in a way, control James. So yeah, he can cheat on her with a woman she already intended to kill, and if he fucks her, it just gives more fuel to her to kill Sophia with a lot of fun…
"You said what…?" He asked, blinking as he thought about it. It just didn't make any sense to him. They were literally a girlfriend and boyfriend, even if it wasn't said out loud both of them knew it. That's why James sent him to guard Charlotte and his mother, because she trusted her… but now, with this, his trust kinda crumbled.
"You can please yourself with her if you want. I'm not going to be mad at you, because of the situation at home… I know it's bad, even if you don't say it. So I'm basically just enabling you to release the stress with her." She explained, and it just confused James more. Her voice was low and still that cold, flat tone, like she was saying it but regretting it.
"I'm not going to fuck her, Bella." He said and he chuckled at the end of it because what the fuck is this?
"You need to." She said now, with a firmer voice, like she was commanding him.
"What?"
"I said it earlier. I don't want you to fuck hoes and street girls like Hector and Ferucci do. That'd be worse than Sophia herself. So yeah, fuck her when you want to. I'm not going to be mad, nor am I going to ask if it happened or not." She said it, and well… it had some kind of logic in it.
If we just forget about the war, the death, and the massacre that's going to happen, James is alone, which also means his needs are going to skyrocket. And well, in Bella's thoughts, how to battle loneliness is to fuck hoes. Even though it's a bad thing and it counts as cheating, she knew it was inevitable because in some way James needs to satisfy his needs. And research proved it, that having sex is good for the mind and stress release.
Yeah, it sounded outrageous, but in Bella's mind, she just wanted James to be emotionally and physically fit because she knew if Ferucci dies, he's going to be in a dark space and not just that, she knew very well that this thing happening will only cause him to remember his past mistakes and the guilt he still carries, and the silent battles.
Rafael died weeks ago, but it's still a fresh wound and when she heard about Marcello's story, she just realized that the James she thought she knew is a more complex person than she could have ever imagined. A person like him needs to somehow release all that stress, so it doesn't build up and destroy him.
So yeah, in Bella's mind the best thing for it was sex, even though she was still a virgin, just like James. She didn't have experience in the field, nor had she even done anything intimate with somebody. Only when she was kidnapped, but those things weren't sex. It was the scene she saw, what they did to the other girls, that was, for her, the most terrifying thing.
But she knew one thing, and that was what worried her.
When James and Hector did drugs, not just that, but his medicine too was addictive and that would be the worst-case scenario… that James would push down his feelings and emotions with drugs and sedatives.
She'd rather have him cheat on her with Sophia than let him fall into that space, that space that is the most difficult battle to come back from. Even if she had faith in James, she knew he'd reach out for the drugs he sold, the ones that made him money. It still worried her very much, not just those drugs, but also the alcohol and the sedatives. Like, what are the chances James can sleep without taking any pills?
None. There's no way he can sleep without those. So yeah, he took them before sleeping, those were addictive ones and one misstep, and he'd fall into a loop he can't crawl out.
For James, it was something unbelievable that she actually said this. But in Bella's mind she just tried to protect him, from all of these things, from the drugs, the alcohol, and from the hoes on the street, but more importantly, from his own emotions. And she was right about it, because these emotions were already built up in James, even if he wanted to look like somebody who doesn't care about them.
He still carried the guilt of his past, and the death of his closest ones.
For a normal person, it would take just one of those deaths to push them to their knees, like Marcello. Your close friend dies, and you'll be on the ground for days, crying and questioning why it had to happen to him. But for James? He didn't even have time to think about it. He needed to act the way he had to act. Marcello's death was quick, and so was the remembrance of him. An hour maybe, and it was done. He hadn't had time to cry for his closest friend, the one who was there for him.
Life wouldn't let him shed tears for him. That's why all the emotions he felt for Marcello stayed with him for years and when he finally shared his story with Bella, those emotions all flooded out of the gate that had held them back.
But since then, two more have died. Hans, who he doesn't even cry for, doesn't even whisper his name at night. Because it's like it didn't even happen. Hans was close to him… maybe too close and his death felt like it didn't even happen… like he just walked away and that's it. Like he was still with him every day. He was his shadow and maybe James still thinks to this day that Hans is still in his shadow, protecting him, looking out for him.
And then there's Rafael.
The worst thing that happened. The thing he's never going to truly accept, never going to truly grieve… because it would mean he accepted the fact that he was the one that killed him. But those emotions are still there, buried deep down… and now Ferucci is waiting in that hospital room to join them. And if that happens, he'll join Hans' side where James will finally understand that he's gone, and that there isn't that smiling motherfucker anymore.
His eyes say what his lips never will… he hides these things well and that's the exact problem.
It seems like a joke, that Bella just says, "Cheat on me" but she had a logic behind it and more than that, the love for James… the need to save him from something that was going to happen. Something she had already experienced once, when he tried to shoot himself, but the gun jammed.
That jam wasn't just a sign for James, it was a sign for them. The ones who protect him. A reminder of what he carries inside… they'll never truly understand… and he carries it all in silence.
The greatest mistake a man can make is to stay silent, with a smile on his face and then, the next thing you know, you're sitting beside his grave asking, why?
That line fits James perfectly. Because if he ever tried something like that again, the chance of the gun jamming a second time is too low. Way too low. So she was ready to do everything… to give up everything she needed to give up just to be able to save him.
From all of it.
"So you call me up during all this bullshit and say to please myself with Sophia to let out stress?" He asked, still flabbergasted, but at least Bella did something. She just distracted James from thinking about the death and the whole situation.
"Yes, your hand would be enough for it… but use condoms if you—"
"Stop it." James said, holding his forehead and shaking his head. "I love you and—"
"Me too!" She screamed into the phone so loud it almost surprised James and the phone nearly fell into the bathtub. "But you need to do it for yourself and for me…"
"You just want to kill her, but that isn't possible. She is a Bellini and you know that… so if I have sex with her, how would it feel to see her every day with that smile on her face, knowing what happened between us? Because I'm sure she would say it every single day to your face that we fucked."
Silence, because she just realized it was true… she couldn't kill a Bellini… something she didn't really think about.
"Then the second option is therapy."
"Therapy?" James laughed. "Your first option was to fuck Sophia?" He laughed even more.
"Well, I thought you'd actually do it with her…" She whispered and got embarrassed by it.
"You know, just for you if I have time, I'll go to therapy, okay?" James asked, still with a chuckle. "Or I can fuck her—"
"Then therapy!" She screamed.
This girl… oh my God… He shook his head but also could tell how much pain and will it actually took to her to say it. In reality, she gave up on herself.
