NOVPUBBen and Rolly listened as Ozzy and Suzette explained the problems they faced in getting Vernon ready for Billy's plan and to get him out of town.
The Butcher ticked off the challenges on his fingers. "He has a bunch of bad conditions, and he's old, which doubles the negative effects. He's slow and can barely wobble fast enough to catch a fat rabbit. He can only use a light mace, no armor, and no shield. His skills are crap because the system picked them as he did stuff. It's going to be damn hard to keep him alive, but if we can get him some levels, his class has some good stat benefits that start to build."
As usual, Ben wanted all of the information. "Give us the rundown of what we have to work with and his negatives and where he's at now."
Suzette said, "Be prepared to grimace and laugh. And remember, he chose this, ignoring all the advice from ACME's group of 'Specialists' and the System itself."
Vernon Throckmorton
Titles:
Unca Varn, challenger of the God-Emperor. Destined for Greatness. (Bonus Advancement Points)
Lesser God-Emperor: +1 CHR, +1 STR, and +1 Free point per level.
War Road Builder: Extra Rewards for Winning Battles
Class: Lesser God-Emperor in Training
Health: 100
Stamina: 50 (100)
Mana: 100
STR: 1 (-4)
CON: (-8)
DEX: 0
AGI: (-4)
INT: (-2)
WIS: 1 (-2)
CHA: 3 (-4)
PER: 0
COR: 1
Experience: 390
Conditions:
Poor Diet: Eating poorly has sapped your strength and stamina. Lifting and carrying capacity is at half. Stamina is halved.
Centenarian: All negative stat effects from conditions are doubled.
Elderly: +1 WIS, -1 CON, -1 STR
Obesity: Speed is lowered to 50%. -2 AGI, -1 CON, -1 STR
Doddering: Your mind wanders and lacks focus. -1 INT, -1 CHR, -1 WIS, -1 PER
Decrepit: -2 CON, -2 CHR. Your body is past the point of obesity and unhealthy, sliding into death. Any damage taken is doubled until you have a positive CON.
NEGATIVE STATS ARE TREATED AS ZERO FOR CALCULATING HEALTH, STAMINA, and MANA.
Primary Skills:
Ranting (CHA), Rank 3
Berate Minion (CHA), Rank 1
Ceremonial Mace (STR), Rank 1
Impressive Trough Feeding (WIS), Rank 0
Warmongering (CHA), Rank 0
Lead From the Rear (INT) Rank 0
Secondary Skills:
Obliviousness to Danger (WIS), Rank 1
Lack of Empathy (COR), Rank 1
Political Infighting (INT), Rank 0
Leadership (CHA) Rank 0
Tertiary Skills: Palanquin (AGI), Rank 0
Rolly rolled his eyes at first, then began looking at the sheet, seeing something.
Ben stared at the character sheet, scratching his head. "Oh, this is bad, so very bad. But we might be able to salvage him if we can get him some levels. The bonus stats per level will start stacking up."
Rolly said, "And get his CON up. Double damage is a killer, literally in this case. I think I know a way to do that, which he is not going to like. Maybe we can raise his ranting at the same time."
Ben and everyone else smiled at that. "Sounds good, and then we work on getting rid of Obesity and Poor Diet. If we get some improvements in him, we can run him to death and make him eat healthy. Right now, the guy is so pitiful that improvement is slow. Killing a few rabbits a day isn't going to cut it."
An hour later, they had a list of possible pathways to take Vernon from his decrepit state to merely pitiful.
Suzette looked at Ben's sheet with arrows going from one option to the next. "So, where do we start?"
Rolly looked at Ben. "I'm volunteering the two of us for wheelbarrow duty. Put on your running shoes, and I'll alert the squirrels."
Vernon was surprised to see many people waiting for him as he entered the game in his usual spot by the fountain. As usual, the resurrection sickness hit him hard, but what got his attention was a table laden with food nearby. Ricardo took him by the arm and helped him to a seat. "We thought you'd enjoy a larger breakfast than usual. The tavern keeper was happy to supply one of the sideboards you're used to."
Vern smiled as he looked at the eight-by-two-foot table with plates of food. He was unhappy to see a lack of pastries and sweets, and confused by some of the bowls with vegetable dishes and fruit, and while he could smell coffee, he didn't see any. The barmaid from the tavern and one of the cooks were standing behind the table, the cook holding a covered platter. "We have a special treat for you. Coffee and your choice of one of these lovely desserts, if you can do one tiny thing for me." The cook took off the cover, showing him small cakes, cookies, and fried bread with icing.
Vernon looked at everyone around him, even his clouded mind sensing something was up. "And what would that be?"
"Pick three things you need to eat off the choices in front of you. Today's a big day, and you'll need the energy. You've got a special skill, and we want to see how it works."
Grumbling, Vernon carefully made his choices. Sausage was first, he was smelling and craving it. "Two of those large sausages and..." he paused. The applesauce looked good, as did the salad. "...dammit, not a proper breakfast, but give me the applesauce and the green stuff."
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Every God-Emperor makes hard choices, starting with breakfast! Identifying the rare foods you need to carry you through the day is the hallmark of a wise God-Emperor.
You have earned 50 experience points in Impressive Trough Feeding. You have gained Rank 1 in WIS. +1 WIS
"Ah, the silly game is recognizing that I know what I'm doing. Give me that little tart."
"Sausage, salad, and applesauce first. Dessert last. And we have coffee for you."
Vern grumbled a little but tore into his breakfast, feeling much better after eating. Marceline, Ricardo, and the Contract Workers finished off the rest of the food. And then Ricky brought up the wheelbarrow. He noted that several comfortable pillows had been added to make the ride easier.
Two of the workers stepped forward and bowed, "Greetings, Vice President Throckmorton. I am Benjamin Franklin the seventh, and this is my companion, Roland, the Lord of Ducks. Both of us are happy Contract Workers, far below you in the organization chart, and happy to serve you. We'll be your porters for the day. We'll be stopping after an hour for a small break and a snack of Sedgewick Sausage to keep your stamina up. If you become unhappy with our services, please feel free to rant at us and explain what we are doing wrong."
A confused Vernon took his customary position in the wheelbarrow, noticing that someone had painted racing stripes on it. "No need to rant as long as you take it slow and miss all the bumps."
Ben and Rolly grinned. "Yes, we were thinking the same."
The Shepherd thumped his staff on the ground, "Time to move out. Let's get this herd moving." He and the Courier took off running far faster than most horses could run. They were out of town in seconds, Ben twisting the conveyance back and forth, tossing Vernon around while he made sure to hit every root and rock as they headed for the forest. Vernon was screaming at them long before Ben veered into the woods.
Ricardo watched them go, confused. "The bunny hill is the other way. Where are they going?"
Ozzy slapped him on the shoulder, "No worries, squire. He'll get there, but probably not until lunchtime. The boys said they had a route worked out that would give Uncle Vern a good look at the wilderness of Gadobhra and visit some interesting people. They're off to visit the squirrels first."
"Squirrels? Those little killers that waylay people? That's dangerous, isn't it?"
Suzette gave him a consoling look, "Nice of you to worry, but we warned them that they were getting invaded, and to be careful to not get run over. Don't want to hurt any of the fuzzy little forest friends while they do their best to turn Vern's morning into a hellish experience. I think after that, Ben wanted to go visit the Wyvern Swamps."
"Dear god, why?"
"Well, between you and me, they wanted to pick up some fresh horseradish for lunch. Now, why don't you pick up that table and pack it out to bunny hill? We'll bring out Vernon's lunch. He'll be ready for it after his little excursion."
From a distance, they heard the screams of angry squirrels and the ranting of Lesser God Emperor Unca Varn as he screamed at his minions and was ignored. Ricky grabbed the table and started packing it out to bunny hill. Marceline watched him go, smiling. "Tell me about this skill of his. I thought Impressive Trough Feeding was a joke."
Ozzy nodded. "Yeah, I did too, at first. But Ben and Rolly both thought the System would pick real skills, and this one was sort of unique to nobility and the like. Billy and Layla get a tingling if they are about to bite into something poisonous. I think this is similar, but Vern was letting his stomach override the skill and eating what he wanted, not what he needed. That applesauce is from the Dryad Grove. It gives a blessing of +50 Health until your next meal. The spinach salad is nothing special, but he needs to eat more greens. That was the skill working. And, of course, my sausage is a guaranteed bonus. It can completely restore his stamina with just half a link, and Ben has a dozen of them with him. They're going to race around the Barony and through every dangerous area they can, trying to max out his five levels of Palanquin and maybe increase his Ranting. It will be easier for him to fight if we get his AGI into positive territory."
The mercenary listened to the fading noise and liked what she was hearing. "Every instinct I had said to run that fat bastard into the ground, but he tripped after three steps and couldn't get back up. Annoyed the hell out of me."
Suzette agreed. Everything about Vernon annoyed her. "It's a start, both on his training and a little creative torture on our part. But I have to get going. Runt and Rolly have negotiated a treaty with the squirrels. We gave them a little fun as a pre-negotiating bonus. Now I have to make good on some promises and get them a cozier place to ride out the winter."
Marceline wondered if she was joking. "A treaty with squirrels?"
"Yep, have to take them seriously. That bit of woodland is full of tier two squirrels and tier three named bosses, and Razorslash Fluffytail is at least a tier four elite, maybe higher. The System is giving players quests to hunt them down and giving the squirrels quests to hunt players. I want a treaty with them, so they leave the townsfolk alone. Want to come along and watch? I can always use a stalwart bodyguard to put herself between me and death if negotiations fail."
"Sure, I'll come. Just to find out if you're serious or not." The two of them were joined by Runt, the town's Butcher. Ozzy decided to head over to the smokehouse to talk to Chainey and Joe and spend the morning grinding out a few barrels of Sedgewick Special Dark Sausage. Orders from the Legion and the Duchess were building up. Luckily, he had a few tons of prime daemon meat to grind up.
